Thursday, January 01, 2009

The Raciest Post I've Ever Written

Yesterday, I was hanging out over at Twitter, enjoying what Astrogirl426, Neilochka, SarcasticMomLC, Spaulds1, ChuckWelch and the others I follow had to say on New Year's Eve. I knew this crowd would have plenty to say that would amuse me-they always do. (Twitter: helping to keep depression at bay since 2006).

Anyway, Neil did not disappoint. He is full of curious information. Yesterday, he had interesting New Year's trivia. He posted:

Interesting New Year's facts: On New Year's Eve in Mexico, those who want to find love in the new year wear red underwear 12:58 PM yesterday from web

and yellow if they want money. In Peru, yellow underwear are said to attract positive energies for the New Year. 12:59 PM yesterday from web


I asked Neil what color to land a job. He didn't know, but I figured if yellow meant money, well that goes hand in hand with a job, right? I mentioned that I was going to Walmart to buy yellow undies, since I don't own any. Perhaps that explains my lack of cash flow!

Joyce, intrigued by this custom, mentioned it to her husband. Of COURSE he knew about it! Does he share this info with his broke friends and single relations? That would be a big, fat NO. That's it, Tim, you're off the gift list. Oh, wait, everyone is off the gift list. Nevermind.

Speaking of gifts, perhaps next Christmas, you should give gifts of colorful underwear. Neil had these further things to add:

@Suzannadanna -- you still have a few hours to run to Target. I'm sure they must have cute yellow underwear. Green sounds money too. 1:01 PM yesterday from web in reply to Suzannadanna

@Suzannadanna -- just no black underwear. Bad sign, like black cat. Despite black being trendy. 1:02 PM yesterday from web in reply to Suzannadanna

Gotcha, Neil. So, if I want someone to have a profitable year, give them Yellow or green. Want them to find the perfect mate, give them red. And if they're on my Shit List? Black.

You'd think after Neil's last comment, that I spent 2008 wearing only black underwear. Interesting that I own not a single pair in that color. Do I blame the countless pairs of Mickey undies for the way the year sucked? Or is it that they're not new? New undies have to be a good sign, right?

At this point, I'll take any luck I can. Off to WalMart I go, figuring I can find a preferred brand in the preferred style (at a preferred price) that contains a yellow pair. It should be easy, right?

Once I got there, I figured it would be easy to find some yellow underwear and head home. Instead, I had more questions. Like, if I buy granny panties, does that mean I'm going to get money through an inheritance? I want a job, not for someone to die!

The concept of bonus panties sounds like a sign for a prosperous New Year. Alas, not the style I like to wear. Oh well!

Then, I spied the boy shorts. Not sure about the cut, but as soon as I saw that "Sporty Waistband" bubble, I knew I couldn't get them. My sporty days are history, and I think that Karma would know I was not sincere in my desire for moneyJOB if I was wearing sporty underwear if I wasn't actually going to participate in a sport.

Then I saw these, and they looked promising, but they were several sizes bigger than what I wear. Does wearing bigger panties mean bigger money? If I were a size 2, would less money come to me than if I were a size 18? Does more fabric matter?
I decided that I didn't want to have to hike up my underwear all evening and passed them up.

Then I saw these and started to wonder if the shade of yellow mattered. Does brighter yellow mean better financial return? If I'm more demure in my shade, does it mean less profitability? Alas, I can't test that theory, because the bold colors were not available in my size.

I made my selection (not shown here) and decided to leave the land of women's underthings, hopeful that the donning of yellow underwear instead of gay apparel would mean that 2009 would be exponentially financially fantastic. Heck, I envisioned a new song entry for Neil's Christmahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert next year, Walking in our Yellow Underwear.

As I walked with my selection, I spied these and was confused some more:Does fabric matter? Do shiny undies mean the money karma notices you and bestows money faster? Or does Karma have ADHD and would be distracted by the shiny and not give any money to me? I decided that Karma was like me and didn't need any distracting. Ed might disagree-but this is MY shopping trip here.

The last fixture on my way to the checkout had theseI was propelled back to 1976 and the underwear I never owned, Underoos. These made me think of Wonder Woman (and Shazaam!). Hmm, that might be a worthy choice-until I saw the 27. If I wore them, would I be destined to only earn 27 bucks this year? That wouldn't be a help. I walked away, singing "Wearing Underoos is fun, and you can choose from more than one" in my head. Well, it beat the music that Wal Mart was playing.

What did I choose? I'm not modeling them, but I will say this:
If you're a long torso person, and the low rise briefs come up to your belly button, they are NOT low rise! Yes, I was sold on the comfortable waistband, thinking it would mean maybe, just maybe, I'd be comfortable financially in 2009. One can hope, anyway.

As for Neil? He had his sights on a new romance and found something red for ringing in the New Year. I'm hoping his year brings him a new lady love. After all, he did share his knowledge with the whole of the Twitterverse!

9 People talked back:

pam said...

Too funny. Did anyone question you taking photos in the underwear department at WalMart?

Hope your new year was great.

Neil said...

I see good things for you this year.

Janna said...

Very funny. Good luck with the yellow panties, I hope they bestow great monetary gifts to you!

Jientje said...

ROFL!!!
I was wondering about the picture taking in the shop too?
I got a new set as a gift from my husband last night. It's aubergine and purple. Makes me wonder what that is going to bring me?

Suzanne said...

Pam, I think I was a little fish in the big pond. The lady next to me was amused, though!

Neil, I'm thinking this year is going to be good for you, too.

Janna, thanks! I'm hoping that this means a job.

Jientje, can you picture a 40 something woman giggling as she takes pictures? That was me. Auberigine, really good romance and whatever the blue will do...

Kaoscapt said...

If I had to guess, blue probably means sexual frustration.

Think about it.

Jientje said...

mmmm, that's not so bad!!

LceeL said...

I am so disappointed that there is underwear modeling in this post. It would, after all, add just that little bit of panache to the post that would put it over the top and make it a GREAT post.

Suzanne said...

Um Lou, it was a big deal for me to post PICTURES of underwear. I don't have the gumption to model them. I think the blogosphere has just let out a big sigh of relief-there are some things that are better left unseen! ;)

Ed, now I've got conflicting reports. Neil told me that Blue has to give you piece with blog rank and Ed's saying sexual frustration. Guess you get a good blog rank if you talk about sexual frustration?

Jientje-I don't know, the guys are confusing me-I can't give an answer on the aubergine, so I'll just make a dish of aubergine parmesan and be done with it!