Monday Meme Madness

Stole this from Jessa, who stole it from TX Poppet. This made the rounds originally as a list from a men's magazine, and people originally posted about their husbands, but now it's mutated into things I can do....

The Rules: Bold the things you can do and you leave in normal type the things you can’t. Sarcastic comments in parenthesis are encouraged.

1. Give advice that matters in one sentence. (Even used it this week "Don't shit where you eat", borrowed from Moonstruck, meaning don't find dating prospects at work!)
2. Tell if someone is lying. (Yep. Good at it. I poke holes in stories. Often.)
3. Take a photo. (Frequently found behind the camera. Be the subject of a photo? Hardly ever happens.)
4. Score a baseball game. (Now why would I want to do that? If you asked if I know how to score a swim meet, I'd be able to say yes. How many people can say THAT? I don't think you can!)
5. Name a book that matters. (Just one?)
6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible. (Hmm, I devote one day a week on the blog to writing about music. I'm not obsessed. Uh uh, not me...)
7. Not monopolize the conversation. (I have to really think about this one to effectively do it. This stays in the unbolded column. What a surprise)
8. Write a letter. (Email. Written letters, I'm very good at writing, not so good at mailing.)
9. Swim three different strokes. (Now, I know the mechanics of Butterfly, but I can't get that darn second kick in, otherwise I could say four. Though technically, I know crawl, breast, back, side and elementary backstroke-so that's five)
10. Show respect without being a suck-up. (I don't do sucking up. I want to sucker punch those who feel the need to suck up to me)
11. Throw a punch. (Know how to do? Heck yeah. Want to ruin about 100k investment in various wrist surgeries? That's a resounding NO)
12. Make one drink, in large batches, very well. (What do you want? Sangria, Mojito, Pineapple Bombs, Bay Breezes, Bellini, Mimosa, etc?)
13. Speak a foreign language. (Can I count pig latin? Didn't think so...)
14. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer. (Haven't had much exposure to any Europeans to even consider this skill as being one)
15. Be loyal. (Beyond what others feel is necessary)
16. Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope. (Yep. That's a piece of cake. Knowing what to order in the fast food drive through? That's tough)
17. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat. (I even fish snakes off my shoulder and out of the swimming pool!)
18. Play gin with an old guy. (I know how, but the opportunity has not presented itself. Unbolded.)
19. Play go fish with a kid. (Yep, though the game player grows bored with such games. He'll play board games with you instead)
20. Feign interest. (I have an Aspie. I think that's a requirement)
21. Make a bed. (Just because I can doesn't mean I do, though)
22. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick. ( Well enough that I send people scrambling to write down the wines I suggest.)
23.Jump-start a car. Change a flat tire. Change the oil. (I think I should have a masters in 'keeping your shitbox car running' from my younger years.)
24. Make three different bets at a craps table. (All I know is snake eyes are bad, m'kay?)
25. Shuffle a deck of cards. (Oooh, ahhh, impressive...)
26. Tell a joke. (What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant?)
27. Know when to split his cards in blackjack. (Something about parting with my money has made this a skill unlearned.)
28. Speak to an eight-year-old so he/she will hear. (I practice this every day)
29. Speak to a waiter so he will hear. (I speak in tip. Good tip. That says plenty)
30. Talk to a dog so it will hear. (Simple. Assign a word that you wouldn't ordinarily use to the treat of choice. For example "Goodie". Say assigned word. Dog will do whatever you command to get the treat. Brilliance, I say.)
31. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help. (That's what a techie husband is all about! I don't have to do that. Now, if you asked install a hard drive, modem, build furniture or something like that, I'm your woman)
32. Ask for help. (And directions, if I needed them.)
33. Break another man’s grip on my wrist.( If my wrists weren't so screwed up, I'd say yes.)
34. Tell a woman’s dress size. (23 years of retail, baby, I can even tell a man his waist and inseam!)
35. Recite one poem from memory. ( To see a world in a grain of sand..)
36. Remove a stain. (I have two boys. Nuff said.)
37. Say no. ( Ask Ed or the kids if you don't believe me...)
38. Fry an egg sunny-side up.(For someone else? Heck yeah. For me? I'd rather starve. Eggs are yucky)
39. Build a campfire. (start the campfire songs and s'mores preparations, too.)
40. Step into a job no one wants to do. (Its part of my job description, no matter where I go.)
41. Sometimes, kick some ass. (You can take the girl out of New York, but you can't take the New York out of the girl)
42. Break up a fight. (Thankfully, those days are over...)
43. Point to the North at any time. (Honestly, Tom Tom should have been named Sue Sue. It pisses Ed off. Royally)
44. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person. (Now theres a Soundtrack Sunday idea!)
45. Explain what a light-year is. (Um, its the guy from the Toy Story movies...)
46. Write a thank-you note. (Just because I can doesn't mean that I do))
47. Be brand loyal to at least one product. (Got allergies? Then you know how loyal one can be to cleansers that don't make you scratch!)
48. Find his/her way out of the woods if lost. (Remember, they should have named Tom Tom after me. Sue Sue. Mama Schweitzer was onto something!)
49. Tie a knot. (Okay, since this wasn't qualified by 'in a cherry stem with your tongue, then I definitely can do this!)
50. Shake hands. ( Part of the job, thank you!)


daysgoby said…
Stupendous! I want you in my corner!
ligirl said…
Never, ever, EVER shit where you eat!!! (I forgot that was from Moonstruck, thanks!) Words to live much so, that I should really consider having them tattooed on my person somewhere, preferably where I can ALWAYS SEE it, like a forearm or a foot or something...

P.S. ...and people...she is SO right about the "sue sue" comment...the woman has an incredible sense of direction. Really. Quite scary.
Joyce-Anne said…
I seem to be able to get lost in my own backyard. Next time I need directions can I call you?
Suzanne said…
Jess, I'm your second, whenever you need me.

Donna, we've got a young lady making moon eyes at one of the bosses, so it's come up in conversation a few times!

Joyce, I am a little rusty on Long Island navigation-something about those landmarks I'd use changing around. May I suggest an iPhone G3 that has GPS? (the one feature I don't need-but I want that phone sooooo bad!)
TX Poppet said…
#20 is so true! When I think of all the brain synapses killed by chatter about trains, Pokemon and industrial engineering, I could cry. Nowadays it's all I can do to sit through another monologue on Japanese language theory. On the bright side, my nodding and mm hm-ing skills are truly top-notch!

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