The War My Body Has with Itself

A script for the way my body feels today, complete with casting choices.

"The War In Suzanne's Body: The Battle for Control"

The players:
The Cold, portrayed by Wallace Shawn (because he's an annoying bugger)
The Chiari Malformation, portrayed by Jean-Claude Van Damme
My Stupid Leg, portrayed by Chuck Norris
The Wrists, played by Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong

The scene:
Suzanne's head
Cold: I am THE COLD. I am here to announce my
presence with AUTHORITY. Bow to my power, body!

Chiari Malformation: I was here first. Watch me karate chop you, pathetic being. Go back to where you came from, you lisping moron.

Cold:Never get into a battle for control of a body with a Sicilian. I am making Suzanne's sinuses swell to twice their normal size and I will give her the worst frontal lobe headache she's seen in years.

Chiari Malformation: Fool, I've been toying with this woman for years before that damn neurologist told her I was hiding in here. Don't push me out of my crowded quarters here-I'll swell the cerebellum to TRIPLE their size and cause the headache that can make her cry. Even better, she left the only thing that can beat me back AT HOME! I love when she cleans out the purse and leaves her medications at home-I can attack with reckless abandon.

Cold:But I'm giving her Dripping Sinuses, you won't come out of the back of the skull to do that, fool.

Chiari Malformation: I've got control of her neck and am pulling on it as hard as I can. She hates that.

My Stupid Leg:What amateurs! THIS is how it's done. First, you turn on the 10,000 volt electric socket, then you stick her leg into the socket, THEN you stick daggers into the incision sites where they took that vein out last year. Then, you pay Vern Troyer 10 bucks to use his machete on the ankle until he runs out of steam. Dude can go all day on 10 bucks, just so you know.

Cold and Chiari: Impressive. We bow to you, oh master. Where can we get the appropriate sized individual to wield the daggers into the skull?

The Left Wrist
: Hey man, wake up!
The Right Wrist: What, man? Did she get us some stuff?
The Left Wrist:No, man, I told you she sticks to the legal garbage, man. Apparently, while we were sleeping here, other dudes moved in on our territory. They're doing all the stuff we used to do!

The Right Wrist: Wow, man. We were the kings of Suzanne's pain for years, man. What are we gonna do?

The Left Wrist: Sneak attack at 3am? We can go get some good stuff and munchies later.

The Right Wrist: Wow, man. I'm in.

The End.

In this battle, the score remains, Cold 1/2, Chiari 2, My Stupid Leg 2 and Suzanne, 0. The wrists were too out of it and didn't show up for this battle.


meghan said…
That was effing brilliant. lmao, thank you!

In all seriousness, I hope you feel better right away!! :)
ligirl said…
Only YOU can be so hilarious AND be in excruciating pain at the same time. Quite impressive. Seriously, you and hope you feel better soon!

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